Christmas in Korea was pretty alright for the ole boy. I had to work Christmas eve which was a joke. The kids were all depressed because EVERY OTHER SCHOOL HAD OFF. But seeing as how we have the reputation for being the most intensive English academy in the province, it comes as no surprise that the little chopstix have English rammed down their throat on the eve of the largest capitalistic holiday in the history of the world.
Maybe I felt bad for the kids, or maybe twas the memories of my 25 Wisconsin Christmas' filled with brandy infused Tom and Jerry's and slippery road conditions, but my little babies didn't do shit that day. A couple of word games and some half-hearted discussions about holiday plans.
There was one little detail that made this Christmas stand out- I played santa.
The conversation went a little something like this:
"Ky-yo, Happy birthday! Here some soap." My boss then gives me a birthday present of soap. "I have a huge favor for you. Do you want to be santa on Thursday? Well you have to be. Thank you so much!"
"In that case Of Course!"
I forgot the extent to which kids go crazy for the jolly fella in a red suit. When i emerged from one of the classrooms dressed in a chintzy Korean Santa suit i was quickly reminded. You'd think these kids won the lottery or something. I am talking about complete pandemonium. Screaming, laughing, kids were running over others just to touch me. I felt cool
After 5 minutes of me feeling like celebrity worthy of my own paparazzi following, i needed body guards so I ducked into one of the offices. The chopstix were not going to go to class unless this jolly, paste-eater-magnet disappeared.
Class by class the students came to santa for a gift. I think playing Santa with a language barrier takes all the fun out of it... I tried to have a brief silly conversation with the little buggers but its like we werent speakign the same language.
"Were you a good boy or a bad boy this year?"
{I receive a blank stare at my hideous fake beard, then at the present in my hand}
I repeat myself but this time add a thumbs up and a thumbs down.
{nothing}
Some of classes sung Christmas Carols. A few of them were damn cute with little choreographed dances and mispronunciations. Only a few rugrats tried to yank off my beard. It was a good time. I enjoyed making the kids day.
Here are some pics!
Monday, December 28, 2009
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Eastern Medicine
I have the body pains of a man twice my age. The scoliolioliosis has been too much of a problem here in THE R.O.K until last Wednesday.
I got a GYM membership at A TOP Fitness Center a couple months ago. I am kinda like a celebrity around the gym. I'm the only white dude there. I walk in and the whole staff greets me and tells me I am fashionable, handsome, and strong (qualities I don't possess, but their English is limited to greetings and compliments.) They also try using their broken English with me as I undress. They like the tattoo ;)
I had my own free personal trainer for a few weeks. At first, it was alright having someone give me directions in gibberish and mime correct form. I swear the permed meat head only knew the words "strong" and "power". I got a little tired of him spotting me in the gym and assuming that I always want someone to use their entire body weight as resistance while yelling "POWAHH" in my face.
ANYWAY.
Back to me being an old dude- I dont work out with the goal of eventually looking like Brad Pit in Fight Club. I do exercises that build strength in my back and legs, both of which are likely to fall apart before I hit 40. Sexy I know.
So I was doing a little back exercise with some free weights and I felt something pull or tear I dunno. It hurt. I froze. I freaked out and hobbled out of the gym and went home to lay down. I busted out THE ANSWER- the back massage tool ;). It really didnt help. I took some pain pills and shuffled to work.
I was depressed with the prospect of eventually living a life with chronic back pain. What if i really messed my back up? What the hell should I do? DO i tell my overly concerned and stressed out boss and have her freak out and rush me to the hospital? Do i wait it out to see if it gets better? Do I seek treatment on my own? If i do that how in the hell would i navigate the language barrier? I numbed myself with worry and thus decided to wait it out.
People at work could tell something was up- i was walking around like I had a giant stick in my ass. I told a Hawaiian guy at work about the incident, mistake. Soon a rumor started and everyone was asking me about it. Sure enough the boss found out and asked me what is going on. I told her I'd be fine I've been through this back pain stuff before. She recommended a massage at a Jim Jil Bong, a nude Korean bath hall.
Ive been to Jim Jil Bongs before. They are a cheap place to crash if you need a place to sleep. You get to sit in a huge bath hall filled with naked Koreans, I dont stick out at all! There are different saunas- hot and cold. They have marble slabs for you to sleep on in the buff. Once you are done with that you can put on some scrubs they give you and go sleep in a huge open room with 100-200 folks passed out all over- just like a middle school lock-in. Its quite the experience.
So i went to one of the bigger Jim Jil Bongs in my city and I got an hr long full body massage from a dude for 40 bucks. It was minimally difficult telling him that the pain is under my right shoulder blade. A couple Yogio's (here) and Nay's (yes) did the trick.
The next day i got to work and one of the teachers asked if I ever heard about acupuncture.
"Ive always wanted to try acupuncture"
"Rearry?" She got up and left.
I assumed she left her desk to go spread the news that whitey wants to get stuck with needles.
Not too long after, a different co-teacher of mine told me to follow her into one of the classrooms. The classroom we went to had a student and another teacher in it, so I assumed that I would prolly be translating something or some menial task. Just like every situation Ive found myself in over here, I didn't find out the important details until I'm knee deep in awkward.
Little did I know I was about to be stabbed with needles in front of a live audience!
I tend to just let everyday awkward situations like this transpire. I dunno. I dont have the heart to tell people things like, "I'd prefer to experiment with this (perhaps) painful form of eastern medicine in a controlled environment, out of sight from curious onlookers anxious to see my reaction."
Using surprisingly comforting words in semi-broken English, my new acupuncturist told me to relax; twas no easy task seeing that there are 2 other Koreans in the room whispering to each other in their native tongue about how excited they were to see me squirm.
I tried to sit down on a desk to relax, but was ordered to stand in the middle of an aisle of desks. Very relaxing- especially with the 2 koreans laughing at me.
Not knowing what hell I was doing I gave this foreign woman my hand. She rubbed my thumb a little bit and told me to breath strong. I panted kinda like a dog. I screwed up. Yet another message lost in translation. She meant to take a deep breath. My bad.
She then stabbed me between my wrist and first thumb knuckle. It didnt really hurt. It only felt like i was stabbed with a 2 inch needle in my left thumb bone. I wonder what the hell this woman is doing- My back hurts why is she stabbing my thumb bone?
She squeezes past me int he clustered room and maneuvers toward my back. "Here we go." I thought. "She's making her way to the focal point of my pain."
Nope.
"Lift your pants"
"Um what?" I asked her with 2 needles deep into my handbone.
"I need to see youl reg."
So I rolled up my right pant leg with 2 needles in my hand while standing in a tiny classroom with 3 amused Korean females. As if that wasn't weird enough, the lady bends down and slices my knee-pit with what i can only imagine is a tool designed for cutting people's knee-pits.
"Ohh no" my acupuncturist and the little girl say in unison followed by some korean words i dont know.
"bad blood"
"oil" said the little girl
apparently my blood was dark red, meaning that i wont get better. I dunno
So then I was instructed to stand there for 30 minutes with my pant leg rolled up, knee-pit bleeding, with needles in my bone, breathing "strong" and trying to relax as students walked in and out of the classroom wondering what their large American English teacher is doing.
Amazingly, the pain was gone after a day or two.
Twas, just another average day in Korea...
I got a GYM membership at A TOP Fitness Center a couple months ago. I am kinda like a celebrity around the gym. I'm the only white dude there. I walk in and the whole staff greets me and tells me I am fashionable, handsome, and strong (qualities I don't possess, but their English is limited to greetings and compliments.) They also try using their broken English with me as I undress. They like the tattoo ;)
I had my own free personal trainer for a few weeks. At first, it was alright having someone give me directions in gibberish and mime correct form. I swear the permed meat head only knew the words "strong" and "power". I got a little tired of him spotting me in the gym and assuming that I always want someone to use their entire body weight as resistance while yelling "POWAHH" in my face.
ANYWAY.
Back to me being an old dude- I dont work out with the goal of eventually looking like Brad Pit in Fight Club. I do exercises that build strength in my back and legs, both of which are likely to fall apart before I hit 40. Sexy I know.
So I was doing a little back exercise with some free weights and I felt something pull or tear I dunno. It hurt. I froze. I freaked out and hobbled out of the gym and went home to lay down. I busted out THE ANSWER- the back massage tool ;). It really didnt help. I took some pain pills and shuffled to work.
I was depressed with the prospect of eventually living a life with chronic back pain. What if i really messed my back up? What the hell should I do? DO i tell my overly concerned and stressed out boss and have her freak out and rush me to the hospital? Do i wait it out to see if it gets better? Do I seek treatment on my own? If i do that how in the hell would i navigate the language barrier? I numbed myself with worry and thus decided to wait it out.
People at work could tell something was up- i was walking around like I had a giant stick in my ass. I told a Hawaiian guy at work about the incident, mistake. Soon a rumor started and everyone was asking me about it. Sure enough the boss found out and asked me what is going on. I told her I'd be fine I've been through this back pain stuff before. She recommended a massage at a Jim Jil Bong, a nude Korean bath hall.
Ive been to Jim Jil Bongs before. They are a cheap place to crash if you need a place to sleep. You get to sit in a huge bath hall filled with naked Koreans, I dont stick out at all! There are different saunas- hot and cold. They have marble slabs for you to sleep on in the buff. Once you are done with that you can put on some scrubs they give you and go sleep in a huge open room with 100-200 folks passed out all over- just like a middle school lock-in. Its quite the experience.
So i went to one of the bigger Jim Jil Bongs in my city and I got an hr long full body massage from a dude for 40 bucks. It was minimally difficult telling him that the pain is under my right shoulder blade. A couple Yogio's (here) and Nay's (yes) did the trick.
The next day i got to work and one of the teachers asked if I ever heard about acupuncture.
"Ive always wanted to try acupuncture"
"Rearry?" She got up and left.
I assumed she left her desk to go spread the news that whitey wants to get stuck with needles.
Not too long after, a different co-teacher of mine told me to follow her into one of the classrooms. The classroom we went to had a student and another teacher in it, so I assumed that I would prolly be translating something or some menial task. Just like every situation Ive found myself in over here, I didn't find out the important details until I'm knee deep in awkward.
Little did I know I was about to be stabbed with needles in front of a live audience!
I tend to just let everyday awkward situations like this transpire. I dunno. I dont have the heart to tell people things like, "I'd prefer to experiment with this (perhaps) painful form of eastern medicine in a controlled environment, out of sight from curious onlookers anxious to see my reaction."
Using surprisingly comforting words in semi-broken English, my new acupuncturist told me to relax; twas no easy task seeing that there are 2 other Koreans in the room whispering to each other in their native tongue about how excited they were to see me squirm.
I tried to sit down on a desk to relax, but was ordered to stand in the middle of an aisle of desks. Very relaxing- especially with the 2 koreans laughing at me.
Not knowing what hell I was doing I gave this foreign woman my hand. She rubbed my thumb a little bit and told me to breath strong. I panted kinda like a dog. I screwed up. Yet another message lost in translation. She meant to take a deep breath. My bad.
She then stabbed me between my wrist and first thumb knuckle. It didnt really hurt. It only felt like i was stabbed with a 2 inch needle in my left thumb bone. I wonder what the hell this woman is doing- My back hurts why is she stabbing my thumb bone?
She squeezes past me int he clustered room and maneuvers toward my back. "Here we go." I thought. "She's making her way to the focal point of my pain."
Nope.
"Lift your pants"
"Um what?" I asked her with 2 needles deep into my handbone.
"I need to see youl reg."
So I rolled up my right pant leg with 2 needles in my hand while standing in a tiny classroom with 3 amused Korean females. As if that wasn't weird enough, the lady bends down and slices my knee-pit with what i can only imagine is a tool designed for cutting people's knee-pits.
"Ohh no" my acupuncturist and the little girl say in unison followed by some korean words i dont know.
"bad blood"
"oil" said the little girl
apparently my blood was dark red, meaning that i wont get better. I dunno
So then I was instructed to stand there for 30 minutes with my pant leg rolled up, knee-pit bleeding, with needles in my bone, breathing "strong" and trying to relax as students walked in and out of the classroom wondering what their large American English teacher is doing.
Amazingly, the pain was gone after a day or two.
Twas, just another average day in Korea...
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Three month anniversary part II
So last thursday i went out for Korean Sushi- Saengseon hoe. Ive had it before. Its pretty ok. You chopstick a slice of flavorless raw fish, dip it in a spicy ass sauce, and toss it in the gullet. What is the only thing that can make eating raw fish better? Flavorless rice liquor, SOJU. Soju is the cheapest drunk on the entire planet. 375 ml for $1.50. It is cheaper than soda. They even sell it in juice boxes
here
ANYWAY
There were probably 25 of us who went out to dinner that night. 25 people sitting on the floor eating raw fish- kyle in the middle commanding a tremendous amount of space as usual. I cant sit on the floor comfortably. I always try to snag a wall spot so i have something to lean on. If i cant secure the coveted wall spot, I face an evening of stares and questioning, "Kyle are you uncomfortable?" "No don't worry about it, my legs go numb after 3 minutes ;)"
I knew ahead of time that at these events i should try my hardest to sit next to 3 specific dudes from work. They are rumored to be the big drinkers and supposedly have the most fun. I snagged the precious spot next to Mr Kim(the muscle of the rinky dink operation I've found myself in) , Chase (the handsome fella who woos old ladies into sending their kids to our school) and Brian (the depressed ex-bachelor head-teacher) all of which are my Korean elders. Between the 3 of them, i knew i would be water boarded with soju, and welcomed the challenge.
After about 7 shots and some slippery fishies, the first food that led to 2 days of hugging the toilet was presented- fresh squirming octopus. When i say squirming octopus i dont mean "hey it looks like it's moving." I mean "holy shit that is a plate of live octopus." If you could chase one of the tentacles down with your chopsticks before it squirmed off the plate, and you were able to pick it up and pry it from the plate, the tentacles stick to your mouth. No joke. Its the little guy's last effort to avoid being eaten. In the case that the slimy fella stick to your cheek as you try to eat 'em you have to take a shot of soju to pry the little bugger from the inside of your mouth. The Koreans couldn't believe I ate the live octopus. "I came to the country to become a Korean." They gasped and laughed.
More soju.
The next dish that led to my demise was presented: Bundaegi- roasted silk worm pupae. Pics here Yum Yum. Not really. Imagine the fruit snack *Gushers having a salty cardboard flavored shell with a gooey center that tastes like rotten dirt. That is silk worm pupae. The Koreans know that eating bugs, or most specifically an insect undergoing metamorphosis in a cocoon, is disgusting. Many Koreans find the smell to be repulsive. I am no exception. But like I said I came to the peninsula to become a real asain- so bring on the pupae.
To prove I was Korean enough i downed like seven of those bad boys. yum...
The Koreans cheered. More soju.
My final fear factor challenge was fish head soup. I ate fish head meat, eye balls, and fish brains. The bones in fish heads are surprisingly sharp! ouch! Mr Kim, the muscle of our operation, had a fishy bone yard the size of a football in front of him. He must've eaten 7 fish heads. This man never ceases to amaze me. It was too much work for the meat :( I had patience to only eat one, so we reverted back to more soju.
After some more cheers and a few "wow look at the white man go" we abruptly left because the eldest person wanted to leave. He paid. Thank gawd. I wouldn't want to monetize the amount of disgusting i put in my mouth.
The next day I could tell I had been drinking the night before. I was a little tired. I didnt feel like i spent the previous night on an episode of fear factor eating bug, brains, and squirming octopus. The 3 wise men at my school were not feeling very Olympic the next day. They were all had stomachaches. I felt like I had conquered a beast and was proud of my Iron American Stomach.
Friday went fine. I met some coworkers out for a few drinks after work and a new bar in town. The wait staff is all new and has no idea what they are doing. I asked for a Bailys and Jameson and the girl busted out a bottle of 12 year aged Jameson. I expected to take a huge hit in the wallet. She charged me 6000 won. 6 dollars for the drink. I couldn't believe it. Anything imported to this country is taxed an insane amount. The bottle of 12 yr old Jameson would probably be 120-150$ anywhere in the country. She charged 3 dollars for a shot. Needless to say I took advantage of her stupidity.
After a few games of pool I came home because i had a bit of a stomach ache. I called my mother and said hi then took some Rolaids and went to sleep.
I woke up Saturday morning in hell. Food poisoning had struck. My body punished me for showing off and trying to be Korean. I dry heaved all day and expelled diarrhea for 2 days. I had a fever. I hurt all over. I couldnt drink water. I couldnt stand up for fear of messing my pants. It was terrible. Worse, I was alone and had no one to complain to. I called a co worker and begged her to bring me some water because you cant drink the tap water in this country. If I had to walk downstairs to the store, which would require me to stand for more than 30 seconds, I would return with shit in my pants. It was horrible.
I had been saving the Movie "Gran Torino" for a time when I was pissed at Korea. Clint Eastwood spends most of the movie being pissed at Asians and making slurs. That Saturday night Clint and I were on the same page.
Sunday was better. My body still hated me, but we were starting to get along a little better. Anything was an improvement from Saturday. Im glad i survived to talk about it. I now know what hell feels like.
here
ANYWAY
There were probably 25 of us who went out to dinner that night. 25 people sitting on the floor eating raw fish- kyle in the middle commanding a tremendous amount of space as usual. I cant sit on the floor comfortably. I always try to snag a wall spot so i have something to lean on. If i cant secure the coveted wall spot, I face an evening of stares and questioning, "Kyle are you uncomfortable?" "No don't worry about it, my legs go numb after 3 minutes ;)"
I knew ahead of time that at these events i should try my hardest to sit next to 3 specific dudes from work. They are rumored to be the big drinkers and supposedly have the most fun. I snagged the precious spot next to Mr Kim(the muscle of the rinky dink operation I've found myself in) , Chase (the handsome fella who woos old ladies into sending their kids to our school) and Brian (the depressed ex-bachelor head-teacher) all of which are my Korean elders. Between the 3 of them, i knew i would be water boarded with soju, and welcomed the challenge.
After about 7 shots and some slippery fishies, the first food that led to 2 days of hugging the toilet was presented- fresh squirming octopus. When i say squirming octopus i dont mean "hey it looks like it's moving." I mean "holy shit that is a plate of live octopus." If you could chase one of the tentacles down with your chopsticks before it squirmed off the plate, and you were able to pick it up and pry it from the plate, the tentacles stick to your mouth. No joke. Its the little guy's last effort to avoid being eaten. In the case that the slimy fella stick to your cheek as you try to eat 'em you have to take a shot of soju to pry the little bugger from the inside of your mouth. The Koreans couldn't believe I ate the live octopus. "I came to the country to become a Korean." They gasped and laughed.
More soju.
The next dish that led to my demise was presented: Bundaegi- roasted silk worm pupae. Pics here Yum Yum. Not really. Imagine the fruit snack *Gushers having a salty cardboard flavored shell with a gooey center that tastes like rotten dirt. That is silk worm pupae. The Koreans know that eating bugs, or most specifically an insect undergoing metamorphosis in a cocoon, is disgusting. Many Koreans find the smell to be repulsive. I am no exception. But like I said I came to the peninsula to become a real asain- so bring on the pupae.
To prove I was Korean enough i downed like seven of those bad boys. yum...
The Koreans cheered. More soju.
My final fear factor challenge was fish head soup. I ate fish head meat, eye balls, and fish brains. The bones in fish heads are surprisingly sharp! ouch! Mr Kim, the muscle of our operation, had a fishy bone yard the size of a football in front of him. He must've eaten 7 fish heads. This man never ceases to amaze me. It was too much work for the meat :( I had patience to only eat one, so we reverted back to more soju.
After some more cheers and a few "wow look at the white man go" we abruptly left because the eldest person wanted to leave. He paid. Thank gawd. I wouldn't want to monetize the amount of disgusting i put in my mouth.
The next day I could tell I had been drinking the night before. I was a little tired. I didnt feel like i spent the previous night on an episode of fear factor eating bug, brains, and squirming octopus. The 3 wise men at my school were not feeling very Olympic the next day. They were all had stomachaches. I felt like I had conquered a beast and was proud of my Iron American Stomach.
Friday went fine. I met some coworkers out for a few drinks after work and a new bar in town. The wait staff is all new and has no idea what they are doing. I asked for a Bailys and Jameson and the girl busted out a bottle of 12 year aged Jameson. I expected to take a huge hit in the wallet. She charged me 6000 won. 6 dollars for the drink. I couldn't believe it. Anything imported to this country is taxed an insane amount. The bottle of 12 yr old Jameson would probably be 120-150$ anywhere in the country. She charged 3 dollars for a shot. Needless to say I took advantage of her stupidity.
After a few games of pool I came home because i had a bit of a stomach ache. I called my mother and said hi then took some Rolaids and went to sleep.
I woke up Saturday morning in hell. Food poisoning had struck. My body punished me for showing off and trying to be Korean. I dry heaved all day and expelled diarrhea for 2 days. I had a fever. I hurt all over. I couldnt drink water. I couldnt stand up for fear of messing my pants. It was terrible. Worse, I was alone and had no one to complain to. I called a co worker and begged her to bring me some water because you cant drink the tap water in this country. If I had to walk downstairs to the store, which would require me to stand for more than 30 seconds, I would return with shit in my pants. It was horrible.
I had been saving the Movie "Gran Torino" for a time when I was pissed at Korea. Clint Eastwood spends most of the movie being pissed at Asians and making slurs. That Saturday night Clint and I were on the same page.
Sunday was better. My body still hated me, but we were starting to get along a little better. Anything was an improvement from Saturday. Im glad i survived to talk about it. I now know what hell feels like.
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