Christmas in Korea was pretty alright for the ole boy. I had to work Christmas eve which was a joke. The kids were all depressed because EVERY OTHER SCHOOL HAD OFF. But seeing as how we have the reputation for being the most intensive English academy in the province, it comes as no surprise that the little chopstix have English rammed down their throat on the eve of the largest capitalistic holiday in the history of the world.
Maybe I felt bad for the kids, or maybe twas the memories of my 25 Wisconsin Christmas' filled with brandy infused Tom and Jerry's and slippery road conditions, but my little babies didn't do shit that day. A couple of word games and some half-hearted discussions about holiday plans.
There was one little detail that made this Christmas stand out- I played santa.
The conversation went a little something like this:
"Ky-yo, Happy birthday! Here some soap." My boss then gives me a birthday present of soap. "I have a huge favor for you. Do you want to be santa on Thursday? Well you have to be. Thank you so much!"
"In that case Of Course!"
I forgot the extent to which kids go crazy for the jolly fella in a red suit. When i emerged from one of the classrooms dressed in a chintzy Korean Santa suit i was quickly reminded. You'd think these kids won the lottery or something. I am talking about complete pandemonium. Screaming, laughing, kids were running over others just to touch me. I felt cool
After 5 minutes of me feeling like celebrity worthy of my own paparazzi following, i needed body guards so I ducked into one of the offices. The chopstix were not going to go to class unless this jolly, paste-eater-magnet disappeared.
Class by class the students came to santa for a gift. I think playing Santa with a language barrier takes all the fun out of it... I tried to have a brief silly conversation with the little buggers but its like we werent speakign the same language.
"Were you a good boy or a bad boy this year?"
{I receive a blank stare at my hideous fake beard, then at the present in my hand}
I repeat myself but this time add a thumbs up and a thumbs down.
{nothing}
Some of classes sung Christmas Carols. A few of them were damn cute with little choreographed dances and mispronunciations. Only a few rugrats tried to yank off my beard. It was a good time. I enjoyed making the kids day.
Here are some pics!
Monday, December 28, 2009
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Eastern Medicine
I have the body pains of a man twice my age. The scoliolioliosis has been too much of a problem here in THE R.O.K until last Wednesday.
I got a GYM membership at A TOP Fitness Center a couple months ago. I am kinda like a celebrity around the gym. I'm the only white dude there. I walk in and the whole staff greets me and tells me I am fashionable, handsome, and strong (qualities I don't possess, but their English is limited to greetings and compliments.) They also try using their broken English with me as I undress. They like the tattoo ;)
I had my own free personal trainer for a few weeks. At first, it was alright having someone give me directions in gibberish and mime correct form. I swear the permed meat head only knew the words "strong" and "power". I got a little tired of him spotting me in the gym and assuming that I always want someone to use their entire body weight as resistance while yelling "POWAHH" in my face.
ANYWAY.
Back to me being an old dude- I dont work out with the goal of eventually looking like Brad Pit in Fight Club. I do exercises that build strength in my back and legs, both of which are likely to fall apart before I hit 40. Sexy I know.
So I was doing a little back exercise with some free weights and I felt something pull or tear I dunno. It hurt. I froze. I freaked out and hobbled out of the gym and went home to lay down. I busted out THE ANSWER- the back massage tool ;). It really didnt help. I took some pain pills and shuffled to work.
I was depressed with the prospect of eventually living a life with chronic back pain. What if i really messed my back up? What the hell should I do? DO i tell my overly concerned and stressed out boss and have her freak out and rush me to the hospital? Do i wait it out to see if it gets better? Do I seek treatment on my own? If i do that how in the hell would i navigate the language barrier? I numbed myself with worry and thus decided to wait it out.
People at work could tell something was up- i was walking around like I had a giant stick in my ass. I told a Hawaiian guy at work about the incident, mistake. Soon a rumor started and everyone was asking me about it. Sure enough the boss found out and asked me what is going on. I told her I'd be fine I've been through this back pain stuff before. She recommended a massage at a Jim Jil Bong, a nude Korean bath hall.
Ive been to Jim Jil Bongs before. They are a cheap place to crash if you need a place to sleep. You get to sit in a huge bath hall filled with naked Koreans, I dont stick out at all! There are different saunas- hot and cold. They have marble slabs for you to sleep on in the buff. Once you are done with that you can put on some scrubs they give you and go sleep in a huge open room with 100-200 folks passed out all over- just like a middle school lock-in. Its quite the experience.
So i went to one of the bigger Jim Jil Bongs in my city and I got an hr long full body massage from a dude for 40 bucks. It was minimally difficult telling him that the pain is under my right shoulder blade. A couple Yogio's (here) and Nay's (yes) did the trick.
The next day i got to work and one of the teachers asked if I ever heard about acupuncture.
"Ive always wanted to try acupuncture"
"Rearry?" She got up and left.
I assumed she left her desk to go spread the news that whitey wants to get stuck with needles.
Not too long after, a different co-teacher of mine told me to follow her into one of the classrooms. The classroom we went to had a student and another teacher in it, so I assumed that I would prolly be translating something or some menial task. Just like every situation Ive found myself in over here, I didn't find out the important details until I'm knee deep in awkward.
Little did I know I was about to be stabbed with needles in front of a live audience!
I tend to just let everyday awkward situations like this transpire. I dunno. I dont have the heart to tell people things like, "I'd prefer to experiment with this (perhaps) painful form of eastern medicine in a controlled environment, out of sight from curious onlookers anxious to see my reaction."
Using surprisingly comforting words in semi-broken English, my new acupuncturist told me to relax; twas no easy task seeing that there are 2 other Koreans in the room whispering to each other in their native tongue about how excited they were to see me squirm.
I tried to sit down on a desk to relax, but was ordered to stand in the middle of an aisle of desks. Very relaxing- especially with the 2 koreans laughing at me.
Not knowing what hell I was doing I gave this foreign woman my hand. She rubbed my thumb a little bit and told me to breath strong. I panted kinda like a dog. I screwed up. Yet another message lost in translation. She meant to take a deep breath. My bad.
She then stabbed me between my wrist and first thumb knuckle. It didnt really hurt. It only felt like i was stabbed with a 2 inch needle in my left thumb bone. I wonder what the hell this woman is doing- My back hurts why is she stabbing my thumb bone?
She squeezes past me int he clustered room and maneuvers toward my back. "Here we go." I thought. "She's making her way to the focal point of my pain."
Nope.
"Lift your pants"
"Um what?" I asked her with 2 needles deep into my handbone.
"I need to see youl reg."
So I rolled up my right pant leg with 2 needles in my hand while standing in a tiny classroom with 3 amused Korean females. As if that wasn't weird enough, the lady bends down and slices my knee-pit with what i can only imagine is a tool designed for cutting people's knee-pits.
"Ohh no" my acupuncturist and the little girl say in unison followed by some korean words i dont know.
"bad blood"
"oil" said the little girl
apparently my blood was dark red, meaning that i wont get better. I dunno
So then I was instructed to stand there for 30 minutes with my pant leg rolled up, knee-pit bleeding, with needles in my bone, breathing "strong" and trying to relax as students walked in and out of the classroom wondering what their large American English teacher is doing.
Amazingly, the pain was gone after a day or two.
Twas, just another average day in Korea...
I got a GYM membership at A TOP Fitness Center a couple months ago. I am kinda like a celebrity around the gym. I'm the only white dude there. I walk in and the whole staff greets me and tells me I am fashionable, handsome, and strong (qualities I don't possess, but their English is limited to greetings and compliments.) They also try using their broken English with me as I undress. They like the tattoo ;)
I had my own free personal trainer for a few weeks. At first, it was alright having someone give me directions in gibberish and mime correct form. I swear the permed meat head only knew the words "strong" and "power". I got a little tired of him spotting me in the gym and assuming that I always want someone to use their entire body weight as resistance while yelling "POWAHH" in my face.
ANYWAY.
Back to me being an old dude- I dont work out with the goal of eventually looking like Brad Pit in Fight Club. I do exercises that build strength in my back and legs, both of which are likely to fall apart before I hit 40. Sexy I know.
So I was doing a little back exercise with some free weights and I felt something pull or tear I dunno. It hurt. I froze. I freaked out and hobbled out of the gym and went home to lay down. I busted out THE ANSWER- the back massage tool ;). It really didnt help. I took some pain pills and shuffled to work.
I was depressed with the prospect of eventually living a life with chronic back pain. What if i really messed my back up? What the hell should I do? DO i tell my overly concerned and stressed out boss and have her freak out and rush me to the hospital? Do i wait it out to see if it gets better? Do I seek treatment on my own? If i do that how in the hell would i navigate the language barrier? I numbed myself with worry and thus decided to wait it out.
People at work could tell something was up- i was walking around like I had a giant stick in my ass. I told a Hawaiian guy at work about the incident, mistake. Soon a rumor started and everyone was asking me about it. Sure enough the boss found out and asked me what is going on. I told her I'd be fine I've been through this back pain stuff before. She recommended a massage at a Jim Jil Bong, a nude Korean bath hall.
Ive been to Jim Jil Bongs before. They are a cheap place to crash if you need a place to sleep. You get to sit in a huge bath hall filled with naked Koreans, I dont stick out at all! There are different saunas- hot and cold. They have marble slabs for you to sleep on in the buff. Once you are done with that you can put on some scrubs they give you and go sleep in a huge open room with 100-200 folks passed out all over- just like a middle school lock-in. Its quite the experience.
So i went to one of the bigger Jim Jil Bongs in my city and I got an hr long full body massage from a dude for 40 bucks. It was minimally difficult telling him that the pain is under my right shoulder blade. A couple Yogio's (here) and Nay's (yes) did the trick.
The next day i got to work and one of the teachers asked if I ever heard about acupuncture.
"Ive always wanted to try acupuncture"
"Rearry?" She got up and left.
I assumed she left her desk to go spread the news that whitey wants to get stuck with needles.
Not too long after, a different co-teacher of mine told me to follow her into one of the classrooms. The classroom we went to had a student and another teacher in it, so I assumed that I would prolly be translating something or some menial task. Just like every situation Ive found myself in over here, I didn't find out the important details until I'm knee deep in awkward.
Little did I know I was about to be stabbed with needles in front of a live audience!
I tend to just let everyday awkward situations like this transpire. I dunno. I dont have the heart to tell people things like, "I'd prefer to experiment with this (perhaps) painful form of eastern medicine in a controlled environment, out of sight from curious onlookers anxious to see my reaction."
Using surprisingly comforting words in semi-broken English, my new acupuncturist told me to relax; twas no easy task seeing that there are 2 other Koreans in the room whispering to each other in their native tongue about how excited they were to see me squirm.
I tried to sit down on a desk to relax, but was ordered to stand in the middle of an aisle of desks. Very relaxing- especially with the 2 koreans laughing at me.
Not knowing what hell I was doing I gave this foreign woman my hand. She rubbed my thumb a little bit and told me to breath strong. I panted kinda like a dog. I screwed up. Yet another message lost in translation. She meant to take a deep breath. My bad.
She then stabbed me between my wrist and first thumb knuckle. It didnt really hurt. It only felt like i was stabbed with a 2 inch needle in my left thumb bone. I wonder what the hell this woman is doing- My back hurts why is she stabbing my thumb bone?
She squeezes past me int he clustered room and maneuvers toward my back. "Here we go." I thought. "She's making her way to the focal point of my pain."
Nope.
"Lift your pants"
"Um what?" I asked her with 2 needles deep into my handbone.
"I need to see youl reg."
So I rolled up my right pant leg with 2 needles in my hand while standing in a tiny classroom with 3 amused Korean females. As if that wasn't weird enough, the lady bends down and slices my knee-pit with what i can only imagine is a tool designed for cutting people's knee-pits.
"Ohh no" my acupuncturist and the little girl say in unison followed by some korean words i dont know.
"bad blood"
"oil" said the little girl
apparently my blood was dark red, meaning that i wont get better. I dunno
So then I was instructed to stand there for 30 minutes with my pant leg rolled up, knee-pit bleeding, with needles in my bone, breathing "strong" and trying to relax as students walked in and out of the classroom wondering what their large American English teacher is doing.
Amazingly, the pain was gone after a day or two.
Twas, just another average day in Korea...
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Three month anniversary part II
So last thursday i went out for Korean Sushi- Saengseon hoe. Ive had it before. Its pretty ok. You chopstick a slice of flavorless raw fish, dip it in a spicy ass sauce, and toss it in the gullet. What is the only thing that can make eating raw fish better? Flavorless rice liquor, SOJU. Soju is the cheapest drunk on the entire planet. 375 ml for $1.50. It is cheaper than soda. They even sell it in juice boxes
here
ANYWAY
There were probably 25 of us who went out to dinner that night. 25 people sitting on the floor eating raw fish- kyle in the middle commanding a tremendous amount of space as usual. I cant sit on the floor comfortably. I always try to snag a wall spot so i have something to lean on. If i cant secure the coveted wall spot, I face an evening of stares and questioning, "Kyle are you uncomfortable?" "No don't worry about it, my legs go numb after 3 minutes ;)"
I knew ahead of time that at these events i should try my hardest to sit next to 3 specific dudes from work. They are rumored to be the big drinkers and supposedly have the most fun. I snagged the precious spot next to Mr Kim(the muscle of the rinky dink operation I've found myself in) , Chase (the handsome fella who woos old ladies into sending their kids to our school) and Brian (the depressed ex-bachelor head-teacher) all of which are my Korean elders. Between the 3 of them, i knew i would be water boarded with soju, and welcomed the challenge.
After about 7 shots and some slippery fishies, the first food that led to 2 days of hugging the toilet was presented- fresh squirming octopus. When i say squirming octopus i dont mean "hey it looks like it's moving." I mean "holy shit that is a plate of live octopus." If you could chase one of the tentacles down with your chopsticks before it squirmed off the plate, and you were able to pick it up and pry it from the plate, the tentacles stick to your mouth. No joke. Its the little guy's last effort to avoid being eaten. In the case that the slimy fella stick to your cheek as you try to eat 'em you have to take a shot of soju to pry the little bugger from the inside of your mouth. The Koreans couldn't believe I ate the live octopus. "I came to the country to become a Korean." They gasped and laughed.
More soju.
The next dish that led to my demise was presented: Bundaegi- roasted silk worm pupae. Pics here Yum Yum. Not really. Imagine the fruit snack *Gushers having a salty cardboard flavored shell with a gooey center that tastes like rotten dirt. That is silk worm pupae. The Koreans know that eating bugs, or most specifically an insect undergoing metamorphosis in a cocoon, is disgusting. Many Koreans find the smell to be repulsive. I am no exception. But like I said I came to the peninsula to become a real asain- so bring on the pupae.
To prove I was Korean enough i downed like seven of those bad boys. yum...
The Koreans cheered. More soju.
My final fear factor challenge was fish head soup. I ate fish head meat, eye balls, and fish brains. The bones in fish heads are surprisingly sharp! ouch! Mr Kim, the muscle of our operation, had a fishy bone yard the size of a football in front of him. He must've eaten 7 fish heads. This man never ceases to amaze me. It was too much work for the meat :( I had patience to only eat one, so we reverted back to more soju.
After some more cheers and a few "wow look at the white man go" we abruptly left because the eldest person wanted to leave. He paid. Thank gawd. I wouldn't want to monetize the amount of disgusting i put in my mouth.
The next day I could tell I had been drinking the night before. I was a little tired. I didnt feel like i spent the previous night on an episode of fear factor eating bug, brains, and squirming octopus. The 3 wise men at my school were not feeling very Olympic the next day. They were all had stomachaches. I felt like I had conquered a beast and was proud of my Iron American Stomach.
Friday went fine. I met some coworkers out for a few drinks after work and a new bar in town. The wait staff is all new and has no idea what they are doing. I asked for a Bailys and Jameson and the girl busted out a bottle of 12 year aged Jameson. I expected to take a huge hit in the wallet. She charged me 6000 won. 6 dollars for the drink. I couldn't believe it. Anything imported to this country is taxed an insane amount. The bottle of 12 yr old Jameson would probably be 120-150$ anywhere in the country. She charged 3 dollars for a shot. Needless to say I took advantage of her stupidity.
After a few games of pool I came home because i had a bit of a stomach ache. I called my mother and said hi then took some Rolaids and went to sleep.
I woke up Saturday morning in hell. Food poisoning had struck. My body punished me for showing off and trying to be Korean. I dry heaved all day and expelled diarrhea for 2 days. I had a fever. I hurt all over. I couldnt drink water. I couldnt stand up for fear of messing my pants. It was terrible. Worse, I was alone and had no one to complain to. I called a co worker and begged her to bring me some water because you cant drink the tap water in this country. If I had to walk downstairs to the store, which would require me to stand for more than 30 seconds, I would return with shit in my pants. It was horrible.
I had been saving the Movie "Gran Torino" for a time when I was pissed at Korea. Clint Eastwood spends most of the movie being pissed at Asians and making slurs. That Saturday night Clint and I were on the same page.
Sunday was better. My body still hated me, but we were starting to get along a little better. Anything was an improvement from Saturday. Im glad i survived to talk about it. I now know what hell feels like.
here
ANYWAY
There were probably 25 of us who went out to dinner that night. 25 people sitting on the floor eating raw fish- kyle in the middle commanding a tremendous amount of space as usual. I cant sit on the floor comfortably. I always try to snag a wall spot so i have something to lean on. If i cant secure the coveted wall spot, I face an evening of stares and questioning, "Kyle are you uncomfortable?" "No don't worry about it, my legs go numb after 3 minutes ;)"
I knew ahead of time that at these events i should try my hardest to sit next to 3 specific dudes from work. They are rumored to be the big drinkers and supposedly have the most fun. I snagged the precious spot next to Mr Kim(the muscle of the rinky dink operation I've found myself in) , Chase (the handsome fella who woos old ladies into sending their kids to our school) and Brian (the depressed ex-bachelor head-teacher) all of which are my Korean elders. Between the 3 of them, i knew i would be water boarded with soju, and welcomed the challenge.
After about 7 shots and some slippery fishies, the first food that led to 2 days of hugging the toilet was presented- fresh squirming octopus. When i say squirming octopus i dont mean "hey it looks like it's moving." I mean "holy shit that is a plate of live octopus." If you could chase one of the tentacles down with your chopsticks before it squirmed off the plate, and you were able to pick it up and pry it from the plate, the tentacles stick to your mouth. No joke. Its the little guy's last effort to avoid being eaten. In the case that the slimy fella stick to your cheek as you try to eat 'em you have to take a shot of soju to pry the little bugger from the inside of your mouth. The Koreans couldn't believe I ate the live octopus. "I came to the country to become a Korean." They gasped and laughed.
More soju.
The next dish that led to my demise was presented: Bundaegi- roasted silk worm pupae. Pics here Yum Yum. Not really. Imagine the fruit snack *Gushers having a salty cardboard flavored shell with a gooey center that tastes like rotten dirt. That is silk worm pupae. The Koreans know that eating bugs, or most specifically an insect undergoing metamorphosis in a cocoon, is disgusting. Many Koreans find the smell to be repulsive. I am no exception. But like I said I came to the peninsula to become a real asain- so bring on the pupae.
To prove I was Korean enough i downed like seven of those bad boys. yum...
The Koreans cheered. More soju.
My final fear factor challenge was fish head soup. I ate fish head meat, eye balls, and fish brains. The bones in fish heads are surprisingly sharp! ouch! Mr Kim, the muscle of our operation, had a fishy bone yard the size of a football in front of him. He must've eaten 7 fish heads. This man never ceases to amaze me. It was too much work for the meat :( I had patience to only eat one, so we reverted back to more soju.
After some more cheers and a few "wow look at the white man go" we abruptly left because the eldest person wanted to leave. He paid. Thank gawd. I wouldn't want to monetize the amount of disgusting i put in my mouth.
The next day I could tell I had been drinking the night before. I was a little tired. I didnt feel like i spent the previous night on an episode of fear factor eating bug, brains, and squirming octopus. The 3 wise men at my school were not feeling very Olympic the next day. They were all had stomachaches. I felt like I had conquered a beast and was proud of my Iron American Stomach.
Friday went fine. I met some coworkers out for a few drinks after work and a new bar in town. The wait staff is all new and has no idea what they are doing. I asked for a Bailys and Jameson and the girl busted out a bottle of 12 year aged Jameson. I expected to take a huge hit in the wallet. She charged me 6000 won. 6 dollars for the drink. I couldn't believe it. Anything imported to this country is taxed an insane amount. The bottle of 12 yr old Jameson would probably be 120-150$ anywhere in the country. She charged 3 dollars for a shot. Needless to say I took advantage of her stupidity.
After a few games of pool I came home because i had a bit of a stomach ache. I called my mother and said hi then took some Rolaids and went to sleep.
I woke up Saturday morning in hell. Food poisoning had struck. My body punished me for showing off and trying to be Korean. I dry heaved all day and expelled diarrhea for 2 days. I had a fever. I hurt all over. I couldnt drink water. I couldnt stand up for fear of messing my pants. It was terrible. Worse, I was alone and had no one to complain to. I called a co worker and begged her to bring me some water because you cant drink the tap water in this country. If I had to walk downstairs to the store, which would require me to stand for more than 30 seconds, I would return with shit in my pants. It was horrible.
I had been saving the Movie "Gran Torino" for a time when I was pissed at Korea. Clint Eastwood spends most of the movie being pissed at Asians and making slurs. That Saturday night Clint and I were on the same page.
Sunday was better. My body still hated me, but we were starting to get along a little better. Anything was an improvement from Saturday. Im glad i survived to talk about it. I now know what hell feels like.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Three month aniversary part 1
Last Thursday at school was like any other Thursday. I "taught" low level middle school students- which is to say I pretty much talk at blank stares, write words on the board, and make farm animal noises to break the awkward dead silence. I also teach a intermediate- high intermediate elementary class. This class is a wild card. They always have a lot of energy. This can either be fun or a headache.
For example they have this book they hate called Skill Bags. They've renamed it Kill Bags. To be fair some of the topics are just plain terrible. We've done topics like elevators and the history of paper. Riveting topics right?
The kids never want to do the book work. To be honest some days I just dont feel like talking about the history of paper to a bunch of chopsticks on a perpetual sugar high. But because their parents paid for the book I have to go over it in class.
Every Tuesday and Thursday at about 8:45 a variation of this interaction can be witnessed:
"Hey Lee Put your cell phone away and turn off that terrible music. Jack why are you standing by the window? Jenny get off the desk. Take out your Kill Bags"
"Teachahhh Play game......" One will say in a long sad complaint.
"Maybe if we... LEE, DAMN IT SIT DOWN, LEAVE JENNY ALONE AND PUT THAT PHONE AWAY!"
"Teachaaaaahhh PLAY GAME!!!"
Then the kids in unison scream, " KYLE BEST! KYLE BEST! KYLE BEST! KYLE BEST!"
"Hey hey hey now, Let just get through this then we can.."
"KYLE WORST! KYLE WORST! KYLE WORST!" The tide changes.
Everyday this happens.
In this class i have a spoiled rotten little shit who tries to make my life hell. He is the oldest guy in the class. He has peach fuzz that rivals my own. Maybe I hate him for that... I dunno. None the less he's a little shit everyday. This particular Thursday he wouldnt put his cellphone and ipod away. He kept playing with them and distracting the whole class. After a few stern chair kicks and table slaps I was able to intimidate him enough to hand 'em over.
He then swore at me in korean. "She bal" which means something like fuck you. I laughed and pretty much told him i thought he was a spoiled little bitch and i was going to give him detention for being said bitch. He tells me that he wont go to detention. I shrugged it off and continued Kill Bags.
Then I gave the entire class an essay in Lee's honor. "All right class because Lee is a little cocksucker you all have to write an essay. It's a free topic, write anything you want." The chopstix wrote essays like "why i love Kyle" and "why I hate Avalon"
Lee of course wrote the essay "Why I hate Kyle" which I am totally ok with, as long as it is a good essay. He of course wrote 5 sentences, so I tried to get him to explain himself with reasons and details.
"Tell me more about 'Kyle is ugly.' Why is the ugliest thing about Kyle? You say here 'Kyle is a pervert' Why does this make you hate him?" This really pissed him off. His expression of hatred had been turned into an opportunity for me to try to teach him something.
After class when everyone lined up at the door. I told Lee to sit his yellow ass down because he had detention.
Being the bad-ass tough guy he tries to be everyday he says, "Im not going. give me my phone and ipod." I then realized i still had probably 500$ worth of electronics in my possession that belonged to him.
I laughed. "Ha ha ha. NO."
I let everyone leave as Lee paced in the room like a caged animal. "Why?!?!" He screamed and tried to shove passed me. "WHY!!!!!!" HE screamed some Korean at me and tried to shove me and get passed me. Im 8 inches taller and have about 80 pounds on him so I laugh and call him a girl. "Lee you aren't so tough anymore are you?"
I call over some Korean workers at the school and we march him up to detention. It felt good.
I checked on him probably 15 minutes into detention. He had his head down. I went in there to tell him to catch up on all the Homework he has neglected to do. He lifts his head and he is silently balling. I mean puddles on the desk crying. I feel bad. The first thought that goes through my mind is that this kid, like every other little chopstick, probably gets the shit kicked out of him at home.
I try talking to him about what he did. He cried and kicked and said a bunch of shit in Korean. He likely didn't understand anything I was saying. I mean if i was balling and some foreigner is trying to speak their foreign language at me i probably wouldn't be able to translate in a such an extreme state of emotion.
I let him go back in the room and gave him back his things.
I went to talk to his Korean Teacher. Apparently I am 0-2 in copying Korean Text in important situations. I wrote down the wrong kid's name for detention. I wrote my prize student's name down. So she called the good kids parents instead of the rotten kids parents. The good kid probably came home and got the shit kicked out of him because his dumbass American teacher copied the wrong name down.
Again I felt bad.
The day ended after probably making 2 kids cry.
So i wen tot my desk to reflect on my successes and failures of the day. Then the head Korean teacher asked me if i liked raw fish.
"DO I!"
"Gweat Ky Yo come with us then"
Then another Korean teacher gestured to me that we'd be drinking.
"Im in. Lets go." Little did I know that this would ruin my three month anniversary in the R.O.K.
That was my Thursday.
For example they have this book they hate called Skill Bags. They've renamed it Kill Bags. To be fair some of the topics are just plain terrible. We've done topics like elevators and the history of paper. Riveting topics right?
The kids never want to do the book work. To be honest some days I just dont feel like talking about the history of paper to a bunch of chopsticks on a perpetual sugar high. But because their parents paid for the book I have to go over it in class.
Every Tuesday and Thursday at about 8:45 a variation of this interaction can be witnessed:
"Hey Lee Put your cell phone away and turn off that terrible music. Jack why are you standing by the window? Jenny get off the desk. Take out your Kill Bags"
"Teachahhh Play game......" One will say in a long sad complaint.
"Maybe if we... LEE, DAMN IT SIT DOWN, LEAVE JENNY ALONE AND PUT THAT PHONE AWAY!"
"Teachaaaaahhh PLAY GAME!!!"
Then the kids in unison scream, " KYLE BEST! KYLE BEST! KYLE BEST! KYLE BEST!"
"Hey hey hey now, Let just get through this then we can.."
"KYLE WORST! KYLE WORST! KYLE WORST!" The tide changes.
Everyday this happens.
In this class i have a spoiled rotten little shit who tries to make my life hell. He is the oldest guy in the class. He has peach fuzz that rivals my own. Maybe I hate him for that... I dunno. None the less he's a little shit everyday. This particular Thursday he wouldnt put his cellphone and ipod away. He kept playing with them and distracting the whole class. After a few stern chair kicks and table slaps I was able to intimidate him enough to hand 'em over.
He then swore at me in korean. "She bal" which means something like fuck you. I laughed and pretty much told him i thought he was a spoiled little bitch and i was going to give him detention for being said bitch. He tells me that he wont go to detention. I shrugged it off and continued Kill Bags.
Then I gave the entire class an essay in Lee's honor. "All right class because Lee is a little cocksucker you all have to write an essay. It's a free topic, write anything you want." The chopstix wrote essays like "why i love Kyle" and "why I hate Avalon"
Lee of course wrote the essay "Why I hate Kyle" which I am totally ok with, as long as it is a good essay. He of course wrote 5 sentences, so I tried to get him to explain himself with reasons and details.
"Tell me more about 'Kyle is ugly.' Why is the ugliest thing about Kyle? You say here 'Kyle is a pervert' Why does this make you hate him?" This really pissed him off. His expression of hatred had been turned into an opportunity for me to try to teach him something.
After class when everyone lined up at the door. I told Lee to sit his yellow ass down because he had detention.
Being the bad-ass tough guy he tries to be everyday he says, "Im not going. give me my phone and ipod." I then realized i still had probably 500$ worth of electronics in my possession that belonged to him.
I laughed. "Ha ha ha. NO."
I let everyone leave as Lee paced in the room like a caged animal. "Why?!?!" He screamed and tried to shove passed me. "WHY!!!!!!" HE screamed some Korean at me and tried to shove me and get passed me. Im 8 inches taller and have about 80 pounds on him so I laugh and call him a girl. "Lee you aren't so tough anymore are you?"
I call over some Korean workers at the school and we march him up to detention. It felt good.
I checked on him probably 15 minutes into detention. He had his head down. I went in there to tell him to catch up on all the Homework he has neglected to do. He lifts his head and he is silently balling. I mean puddles on the desk crying. I feel bad. The first thought that goes through my mind is that this kid, like every other little chopstick, probably gets the shit kicked out of him at home.
I try talking to him about what he did. He cried and kicked and said a bunch of shit in Korean. He likely didn't understand anything I was saying. I mean if i was balling and some foreigner is trying to speak their foreign language at me i probably wouldn't be able to translate in a such an extreme state of emotion.
I let him go back in the room and gave him back his things.
I went to talk to his Korean Teacher. Apparently I am 0-2 in copying Korean Text in important situations. I wrote down the wrong kid's name for detention. I wrote my prize student's name down. So she called the good kids parents instead of the rotten kids parents. The good kid probably came home and got the shit kicked out of him because his dumbass American teacher copied the wrong name down.
Again I felt bad.
The day ended after probably making 2 kids cry.
So i wen tot my desk to reflect on my successes and failures of the day. Then the head Korean teacher asked me if i liked raw fish.
"DO I!"
"Gweat Ky Yo come with us then"
Then another Korean teacher gestured to me that we'd be drinking.
"Im in. Lets go." Little did I know that this would ruin my three month anniversary in the R.O.K.
That was my Thursday.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Sports day
So our school rented a school gymnasium for a Sports Day! The owners, the teachers, the bus drivers everyone made it out for the event. It was mostly Koreans there were only 6 of us foreigners. There were prizes. So I knew i was in for a day excitement.
WE drew for random teams earlier in the week. Knowing that we were going to play volleyball, I talked trash all week. Due to the language barrier my trash talking was limited to "B TEAM NUMBER ONE!"
The night previous, I somehow found myself in a Korean Chicken Parlor then A Kareoke Room until 5 am. I was definitely belting out Scarborough Fair, Avril Lavine, Bon Jovi- everything. Soju makes you do funny things.
The next morning came too soon. We were supposed to meet at the school at 11am then go out to eat. One of my team members woke me up at 10:55. I through on my Packer Zuba Pants and my pink Recreation Champion shirt and scurried to meet them at a restaurant.
Now Koreans eat the same thing morning, day and night. Its normally a combination of meat/protein(spam, pork, tofu) spicy sauce, and fermented veggies. Yum... There is no better anecdote for a hangover like fermented cucumbers and spicy spam.
We all loaded into a bus and took off for the school for MAIN EVENT a bit after noon.
The very first event was a relay race, but this was no run of the mill relay race in a school gymnasium. We had to run across the gym and chug a glass of Korean rice wine can Makali. I will repeat that. We had a chugging competition/ relay race in middle school gymnasium. I cant make this shit up.
We then play volleyball on a HUGE court. The boundaries were the lines of a full size basketball court. We played 8 on 8 or something ridiculous. Naturally i played like a complete ball hog. It was ok because the opposing Korean men did the same. When in Rome!
Imagine the biggest dude in the gym, dressed in Zubba pants and a bright headband, barreling over the Korean toothpicks like a dog chasing a ball. IT WAS AWESOME.
Of course our team won the tournament. Afterwords, the bus drivers beckoned for me to join them in the corner of the gym. They handed me a paper cup of the Makali, said some things in Korean, laughed and we all chugged the weird tasting alcohol. We did this a few times. Only in Korea can I slam liquor with bus drivers in a school gymnasium.
Our team took second place due to some elder bullshit, again. The eldest man in the gym decided to play by his own rules, and every cheered him on. Whatever. Ive gotten used to it. As a prize for second place we all got bars of "Say Angel Berry Soap." I now must show up to work smelling like a teenage girl.
Ta Ta for now!
WE drew for random teams earlier in the week. Knowing that we were going to play volleyball, I talked trash all week. Due to the language barrier my trash talking was limited to "B TEAM NUMBER ONE!"
The night previous, I somehow found myself in a Korean Chicken Parlor then A Kareoke Room until 5 am. I was definitely belting out Scarborough Fair, Avril Lavine, Bon Jovi- everything. Soju makes you do funny things.
The next morning came too soon. We were supposed to meet at the school at 11am then go out to eat. One of my team members woke me up at 10:55. I through on my Packer Zuba Pants and my pink Recreation Champion shirt and scurried to meet them at a restaurant.
Now Koreans eat the same thing morning, day and night. Its normally a combination of meat/protein(spam, pork, tofu) spicy sauce, and fermented veggies. Yum... There is no better anecdote for a hangover like fermented cucumbers and spicy spam.
We all loaded into a bus and took off for the school for MAIN EVENT a bit after noon.
The very first event was a relay race, but this was no run of the mill relay race in a school gymnasium. We had to run across the gym and chug a glass of Korean rice wine can Makali. I will repeat that. We had a chugging competition/ relay race in middle school gymnasium. I cant make this shit up.
We then play volleyball on a HUGE court. The boundaries were the lines of a full size basketball court. We played 8 on 8 or something ridiculous. Naturally i played like a complete ball hog. It was ok because the opposing Korean men did the same. When in Rome!
Imagine the biggest dude in the gym, dressed in Zubba pants and a bright headband, barreling over the Korean toothpicks like a dog chasing a ball. IT WAS AWESOME.
Of course our team won the tournament. Afterwords, the bus drivers beckoned for me to join them in the corner of the gym. They handed me a paper cup of the Makali, said some things in Korean, laughed and we all chugged the weird tasting alcohol. We did this a few times. Only in Korea can I slam liquor with bus drivers in a school gymnasium.
Our team took second place due to some elder bullshit, again. The eldest man in the gym decided to play by his own rules, and every cheered him on. Whatever. Ive gotten used to it. As a prize for second place we all got bars of "Say Angel Berry Soap." I now must show up to work smelling like a teenage girl.
Ta Ta for now!
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Living in Paradise
Hey Kyle, Is living in Korea Paradise?
No.
The luster of living in foreign land has worn off. I am now a man of routines. I sleep everyday til around 1pm. I shower, drink some powdered dry beans and milk and head off to the dog and pony show. "Look parents we have REAL AMERICANS teaching your spoiled rugrats!"
I work for business. I dont work for a school. This makes me not a teacher but an employee. I am not paid to foster a sound teaching environment and transfer knowledge. I am paid to look like a presentable American and do my best not to have students complain to their parents. Parental contentment is the highest priority.
Whatever its all good.
I was told by a coworker, "Once you take this job seriously, you'll drive yourself insane." He was a head teacher.
Oh Korea
No.
The luster of living in foreign land has worn off. I am now a man of routines. I sleep everyday til around 1pm. I shower, drink some powdered dry beans and milk and head off to the dog and pony show. "Look parents we have REAL AMERICANS teaching your spoiled rugrats!"
I work for business. I dont work for a school. This makes me not a teacher but an employee. I am not paid to foster a sound teaching environment and transfer knowledge. I am paid to look like a presentable American and do my best not to have students complain to their parents. Parental contentment is the highest priority.
Whatever its all good.
I was told by a coworker, "Once you take this job seriously, you'll drive yourself insane." He was a head teacher.
Oh Korea
Sunday, November 1, 2009
what am i doing
Ok So it is no secret that I don't put BLOG WRITING high on my priority list and rarely make time for it. When I do update the blog I end up writing in huge chunks. Things happen everyday here that blow my mind. For example I saw a really shitty tequila, Pepe Lopez, with a retail price of 30,000 won- 30 dollars. Does this warrant a blog topic? I dunno. Its my first blog. I dont know what I am doing. Either read it or don't.
Treat yourself if you see fit...
I went to a Korean Fortress. Here are some pictures. I wanna start a picasa or flickr account. But for now these will have to:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2210845&id=59502786&l=6f6d516bc7
Treat yourself if you see fit...
I went to a Korean Fortress. Here are some pictures. I wanna start a picasa or flickr account. But for now these will have to:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2210845&id=59502786&l=6f6d516bc7
I should learn to read and write Hangul
I live in Korea. They speak korean. Their alphabet (hangul) is a series of unfamiliar characters representing seemingly identical sounds. Dont believe me? Catch a glimpe of my life of confusion here: Roll over the Korean Characters at the top with your mouse. Everything sounds the same.
I am here to spread the gospel of English. I am paid to be American in front of overworked docile students. In many regards I am very fortunate to be in the position I am. I can travel the world and make money by speaking my native tongue. The trouble comes when you are in a foreign land and want to get shit done. Most of the time I treat every facet of my life as an adventure. The simple task of telling a waitress you need some more soda can result in a plate of spicy peppers and extra silverware. Nothing comes easy...
ANYWAY
So I got a little saucy the night before I boogied on down to Gwangju (Hangul- 광주) to experience the AWESOME that is a festival dedicated to Kim Chi - spicy fermented cabbage.
My Proper Prior Planning would surely Prevent a Piss Poor Performance on my travel day. I even wrote the city name in Hangul (광주) to ensure a smooth travel day. WIth Jesseca at my side what could go wrong?
Gwangju is about 200km from my city. SO i figured about 2 hr drive because it is a bus and it would be too good to be true if 1. The Korean interstate systems was any thing near efficient and 2. I purchased a non-stop ticket.
Jesseca and I boarded the bus at 11 am. I was ready for a nap after a rather late evening of batting cages and imported shitty beer. I was not treated to the easy, smooth, relaxing ride I had expected. The bus was hot, filthy, and packed which is surprising because the Korean buses until this had had been quite the opposite. This particular ride felt less like an express route to a major city and more like going 4 wheeling in my dad's truck.
After 45min of no sleep and fearing for my life, the bus stopped. Everyone got off the bus. We certainly were not dropped off at one of the largest bus terminals in the country. We were not in Gwangju. (광주) Being the Arrogant American I am I curse the country and their people for my misfortunes. Little did i know my half drunk dumbass wrote the wrong city. I wrote 공주 instead of 광주. We had arrived in the dump that is Gongju, not Gwangju.
At the tiny bus station, I busted out my trusty guide book and tried to grab the attention of anyone who looks like they are wearing any sort of uniform and I frantically point to Gwangju on a tiny map of South Korea.
Some Thai guy name Kim befriended Jesseca and charaded for us to follow him. So we bought another bus ticket, not know where we were or where we were going. Again we boarded a stuffy, sticky, stinky, vinyl seated death trap. One cannot exaggerate the dangers of the Korean traffic system. Traffic signals are mere suggestions, zero police force = zero adherence to any agreed upon driving code. There is a reason the R.O.K (Republic of Korea) is consistently ranked in the top 5 of traffic deaths per capita...
After another hour on another bus we end up in a much larger city. Daejon! The trip to Daejon from the city i live in is 2 dollars and abotu 35 minutes. We spent 2 and a half hours and 8 dollars apiece :) I love the language barrier.
We got off the the bus and Kim the Thai man waved us a taxi and shouted at the driver in Korean to take us somewhere. I have no idea what made us trust this Thai man. He was dressed in torn blue jeans and a stained shirt. Conventional wisdom would warrant suspicion of this stranger, who spoke little English and was eager to tell us where to go. Instead we hopped into a cab not knowing where we would end up. This could have easily ended with Jesseca being a sex slave and me in labor camp somewhere north of the DMZ. All this for the hopes and dreams of seeing a festival dedicated to the smelly national food of Korea.
Luckily the Thai people in the ROK can be trusted. WE ended up at a huge bus station. And finally We bought a ticket to 광주 and were on our merry way after 3 hrs of detours.
We arrived in Gwangju with an appetite only rotted spicy cabbage could satiate. Jon met us at the station. We were set to experience all that a KimChi Festival could offer. Unfortunately, by the time we arrived the Kimchi fest was closed. So the cabbage fun would have to wait until the next day :(
That night we went out to eat with Jon and Annie and some of their friends. We sat on the floor (which Jon and I share a love for.) We had some shabu shabu and went a couple bars. We were hit on by some English speaking prostitutes. No big deal. We went to a dance club. I dropped it like it was hot. Jon showed me Gwangjus red light district. A good night was had.
The next day we hit up the festival. Boy was it a blast. Human sized Cabbage mascots, song about Kimchi and copious amounts of fermented spicy vegetables- All of this in the WORLD CUP STADIUM. Yea you are jealous...
Check out the photos here
FACEBOOK PHOTOS
I am here to spread the gospel of English. I am paid to be American in front of overworked docile students. In many regards I am very fortunate to be in the position I am. I can travel the world and make money by speaking my native tongue. The trouble comes when you are in a foreign land and want to get shit done. Most of the time I treat every facet of my life as an adventure. The simple task of telling a waitress you need some more soda can result in a plate of spicy peppers and extra silverware. Nothing comes easy...
ANYWAY
So I got a little saucy the night before I boogied on down to Gwangju (Hangul- 광주) to experience the AWESOME that is a festival dedicated to Kim Chi - spicy fermented cabbage.
My Proper Prior Planning would surely Prevent a Piss Poor Performance on my travel day. I even wrote the city name in Hangul (광주) to ensure a smooth travel day. WIth Jesseca at my side what could go wrong?
Gwangju is about 200km from my city. SO i figured about 2 hr drive because it is a bus and it would be too good to be true if 1. The Korean interstate systems was any thing near efficient and 2. I purchased a non-stop ticket.
Jesseca and I boarded the bus at 11 am. I was ready for a nap after a rather late evening of batting cages and imported shitty beer. I was not treated to the easy, smooth, relaxing ride I had expected. The bus was hot, filthy, and packed which is surprising because the Korean buses until this had had been quite the opposite. This particular ride felt less like an express route to a major city and more like going 4 wheeling in my dad's truck.
After 45min of no sleep and fearing for my life, the bus stopped. Everyone got off the bus. We certainly were not dropped off at one of the largest bus terminals in the country. We were not in Gwangju. (광주) Being the Arrogant American I am I curse the country and their people for my misfortunes. Little did i know my half drunk dumbass wrote the wrong city. I wrote 공주 instead of 광주. We had arrived in the dump that is Gongju, not Gwangju.
At the tiny bus station, I busted out my trusty guide book and tried to grab the attention of anyone who looks like they are wearing any sort of uniform and I frantically point to Gwangju on a tiny map of South Korea.
Some Thai guy name Kim befriended Jesseca and charaded for us to follow him. So we bought another bus ticket, not know where we were or where we were going. Again we boarded a stuffy, sticky, stinky, vinyl seated death trap. One cannot exaggerate the dangers of the Korean traffic system. Traffic signals are mere suggestions, zero police force = zero adherence to any agreed upon driving code. There is a reason the R.O.K (Republic of Korea) is consistently ranked in the top 5 of traffic deaths per capita...
After another hour on another bus we end up in a much larger city. Daejon! The trip to Daejon from the city i live in is 2 dollars and abotu 35 minutes. We spent 2 and a half hours and 8 dollars apiece :) I love the language barrier.
We got off the the bus and Kim the Thai man waved us a taxi and shouted at the driver in Korean to take us somewhere. I have no idea what made us trust this Thai man. He was dressed in torn blue jeans and a stained shirt. Conventional wisdom would warrant suspicion of this stranger, who spoke little English and was eager to tell us where to go. Instead we hopped into a cab not knowing where we would end up. This could have easily ended with Jesseca being a sex slave and me in labor camp somewhere north of the DMZ. All this for the hopes and dreams of seeing a festival dedicated to the smelly national food of Korea.
Luckily the Thai people in the ROK can be trusted. WE ended up at a huge bus station. And finally We bought a ticket to 광주 and were on our merry way after 3 hrs of detours.
We arrived in Gwangju with an appetite only rotted spicy cabbage could satiate. Jon met us at the station. We were set to experience all that a KimChi Festival could offer. Unfortunately, by the time we arrived the Kimchi fest was closed. So the cabbage fun would have to wait until the next day :(
That night we went out to eat with Jon and Annie and some of their friends. We sat on the floor (which Jon and I share a love for.) We had some shabu shabu and went a couple bars. We were hit on by some English speaking prostitutes. No big deal. We went to a dance club. I dropped it like it was hot. Jon showed me Gwangjus red light district. A good night was had.
The next day we hit up the festival. Boy was it a blast. Human sized Cabbage mascots, song about Kimchi and copious amounts of fermented spicy vegetables- All of this in the WORLD CUP STADIUM. Yea you are jealous...
Check out the photos here
FACEBOOK PHOTOS
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Day before Kimchi Fest 14
This past weekend I left my dong and decided to head on down to meet up with a few college friends living in Gwangju, a bustling metropolis a couple hundred kilometers from my home. Thank god my travel buddy Jesseca came with me, otherwise I wouldn’t have made it.
Now I was really excited to get to Gwangju this weekend. I mean, who could possibly turn down and opportunity to party at the 8th largest cultural festival in Korea. Hell, it’s the 14th anniversary! To avoid confusion on my travel day, I deceided to go to the bus station earlier in the week to hammer out the details of my trip- which bus, what time, etc. I even wrote down my inquiries in Korean in order to navigate the language barrier. After all, Proper Prior Planning Prevents Piss Poor Payoffs. I would leave Saturday Morning!
Friday night rolled around and I was invited to go to a Korean bar with an elder Korean friend and some others. You cant say no to an elder! Seriously. Age is the trump card in Korea. What ever he says goes. No matter what. IF an elder invites you somewhere you MUST go. If the elders suggests something and you dot do it you are deemed disrespectful. IF you Drink with an elder you must, no joke, turn away from them. You cant look at them when you drink! It is something to experience….
So we ended up getting some food and having some MakJu and Soju at a Korean college bar in the university district of our city. University districts are similar anywhere you go; slutty lookin girls trying to look classy, trash everywhere a bunch of drunk people, street venders selling crappy old food, and people selling baby rabbits.
One of the Koreans and I snuck out and went to the batting cages. Drunk batting cages are fun. There is just something about trying to smash a ball flying at you at 120 km/hr that, if successful, makes one feel incredibly masculine. Add some 2 dollar Korean potato liquor to the equation and you have yourself some cheap entertainment.
The others figured out our whereabouts and joined us. We paired up and had a little competition for the next round of drinks. Our fearless drunk elder decided the rules. I hit successfully 6 out of 13 my partner hit 3. Our opponents combined for 6. The elder wanted a rematch because he’d been beaten and woul likely have to pay for his juniors portion of the aforementioned bet. So we play again. But this time the Elder calls every ball I hit foul. I call bullshit, figuring he is joking around and look to my partner for support. I was met with a whisper, “He is the elder, there is nothing we can do.”
Seriously. You cant make this shit up! So the elder goes and doesn’t hit a ball. He decides that he gets to try again. The others say nothing because after all fairness in a bet means nothing if someone is 5 years your senior. Where am I?
He hits a couple balls we end up winning again and drinking imported beers in a dirty underground bar- taking turns buying rounds until 5am.
Due to the late night debauchery on Friday my “Proper Prior Planning” Protocol didn’t Prevent Piss Poor Performance of my travel duties the following morning….
Now I was really excited to get to Gwangju this weekend. I mean, who could possibly turn down and opportunity to party at the 8th largest cultural festival in Korea. Hell, it’s the 14th anniversary! To avoid confusion on my travel day, I deceided to go to the bus station earlier in the week to hammer out the details of my trip- which bus, what time, etc. I even wrote down my inquiries in Korean in order to navigate the language barrier. After all, Proper Prior Planning Prevents Piss Poor Payoffs. I would leave Saturday Morning!
Friday night rolled around and I was invited to go to a Korean bar with an elder Korean friend and some others. You cant say no to an elder! Seriously. Age is the trump card in Korea. What ever he says goes. No matter what. IF an elder invites you somewhere you MUST go. If the elders suggests something and you dot do it you are deemed disrespectful. IF you Drink with an elder you must, no joke, turn away from them. You cant look at them when you drink! It is something to experience….
So we ended up getting some food and having some MakJu and Soju at a Korean college bar in the university district of our city. University districts are similar anywhere you go; slutty lookin girls trying to look classy, trash everywhere a bunch of drunk people, street venders selling crappy old food, and people selling baby rabbits.
One of the Koreans and I snuck out and went to the batting cages. Drunk batting cages are fun. There is just something about trying to smash a ball flying at you at 120 km/hr that, if successful, makes one feel incredibly masculine. Add some 2 dollar Korean potato liquor to the equation and you have yourself some cheap entertainment.
The others figured out our whereabouts and joined us. We paired up and had a little competition for the next round of drinks. Our fearless drunk elder decided the rules. I hit successfully 6 out of 13 my partner hit 3. Our opponents combined for 6. The elder wanted a rematch because he’d been beaten and woul likely have to pay for his juniors portion of the aforementioned bet. So we play again. But this time the Elder calls every ball I hit foul. I call bullshit, figuring he is joking around and look to my partner for support. I was met with a whisper, “He is the elder, there is nothing we can do.”
Seriously. You cant make this shit up! So the elder goes and doesn’t hit a ball. He decides that he gets to try again. The others say nothing because after all fairness in a bet means nothing if someone is 5 years your senior. Where am I?
He hits a couple balls we end up winning again and drinking imported beers in a dirty underground bar- taking turns buying rounds until 5am.
Due to the late night debauchery on Friday my “Proper Prior Planning” Protocol didn’t Prevent Piss Poor Performance of my travel duties the following morning….
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Kim Chi Fest
Kim Chi. The Spicy, Garlicy, Sauerkraut-like staple of the Korean Diet. Yum yum. This stuff is served with literally everything. KimChi Soup, Kimchi Mondu, Kimchi stirfry, Kimchi seaweed rolls, Kimchi flavored toothpaste. Each Province is known for their own variety of kim chi. In germany they fight over who makes the best beer, Here they fight over who makes the best fermented cabbage. One can not under-emphasize the cultural importance of this smelly side dish. Like squirrels the Koreans bury it in the ground for the winter months. Many koreans think that kimchi ingestion is reason Koreans have NO HAIR on their body. - No Joke.
I am going to the Kim Chi Festival this weekend in Southern Korea, GwangJu to be specific. Jon and Annie Live down there and we are going to try to learn more about powerful kimchi. It should be a good time.
Here are a couple videos that accurately depict an expat's life in Korea:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TBxaQHbhWjU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WMt44wpvYqw
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QjBfy_HVoSM
Monday, October 19, 2009
Korean Managerial Philosophy
As expected Ive been pretty bad about keeping up to date on this whole blog thing... I cant believe that Chuseok was 2 weeks ago. Let alone that Ive been here for 9 weeks. Time flys when you're having fun right? right...
Since i was hired in August, i havent had a single conversation with the director of my school. Occasionally we'll pass one another and offer a brief greeting. Though these fleeting encounters are shallow acknowledgments of the other's existence, they've taught me quite a lot- like your superior can say whatever the hell they want such as "You are ugly" or "You are fat" which have both happened on multiple occasions. Here are 3 that come to mind:
1. The first instance was one of my first weeks here. The students were complaining about being hot and were begging me to turn up the airconditioner. Naturally, I granted their wish and left to room to adjust the temperature. At the front desk my boss was talking with half a dozen other Korean teachers and assistants. The encounter unfolded as follows:
"Ahnyeonghaseyo"
"Haha, Hello Kiyo. Are you teachy now?"
"Yea, the students were complaining it was too hot in the room so I am turning up the Air Con."
"Hahaha!! Are you sure its not because you are too fat!" Laughing, she pokes my stomach and turns to everyone else.
Here is where i blacked out and slapped the bitch.
2. A pubescent teenage girl freaked out when i picked up some of her "get out of detention free cards." She began screaming at me in Korean. I was amused by this. "I dont speak Korean" i told her. She immediately starts crying and snags her phone and speed dials her mom. This all happened in the course of 15 seconds. She is balling and yelling into the phone at her mom. I promptly give her the precious 1" x 1" pieces of paper and tell her to hang up the phone. Another teacher was in the room so i let her handle the rest of class so i could inform the director of the ridiculous events that had just transpired before she could hear about it from a crazy chic's concerned mother. The director was walking through the front office but this time with teachers AND students:
"Hi kiyo"
"Hi, there is something i need to tell you. Do you have a minute?"
"For you, only 59 nine secund."
"I accidentally made a girl cry in class right now and I'd rather you hear the story from me than from her parents."
"Is it because you are fat and ugly? haha" and she casually walks away.
After I reminded myself that this is not a dream- I am living in a so-called "developed, civilized and diverse country" and for some reason i still want to work for this open-minded and respectful woman- I reluctantly followed the walking verbal diarhetic to explain myself only to be brushed aside and virtually ignored.
3. This weekend on a trip to Seoul for an unpaid work training for 7 of the American teachers, we packed 9 people in a mini-van at 8 am after we all went out til 4am the previous morning. During the 1.5 hr ride the topic of volunteering came up I mentioned how i was interested in volunteering with English speakers who manage to find themselves in the Korean penal system.
My Diarhetic Director (DD): "I dont know if you can vorunteer Kiyo"
"Really? because I am a foreigner?
"No because you are not handsome, and fat and 'blah blah blah.' hahaa"
All the Americans in the car were taken aback, and told her that i was handsome by American Standards (Thanks ladies) A few even mumbled that in the States it's not OK to say that.
DD then goes on to say that its ok because she likes skinny men and not fat men. Minutes later my knee accidentally hits the button to roll down the window. DD promptly reminds everyone that she had called me fat earlier and that she was right about my stature.
This my friends is South Korea.
Since i was hired in August, i havent had a single conversation with the director of my school. Occasionally we'll pass one another and offer a brief greeting. Though these fleeting encounters are shallow acknowledgments of the other's existence, they've taught me quite a lot- like your superior can say whatever the hell they want such as "You are ugly" or "You are fat" which have both happened on multiple occasions. Here are 3 that come to mind:
1. The first instance was one of my first weeks here. The students were complaining about being hot and were begging me to turn up the airconditioner. Naturally, I granted their wish and left to room to adjust the temperature. At the front desk my boss was talking with half a dozen other Korean teachers and assistants. The encounter unfolded as follows:
"Ahnyeonghaseyo"
"Haha, Hello Kiyo. Are you teachy now?"
"Yea, the students were complaining it was too hot in the room so I am turning up the Air Con."
"Hahaha!! Are you sure its not because you are too fat!" Laughing, she pokes my stomach and turns to everyone else.
Here is where i blacked out and slapped the bitch.
2. A pubescent teenage girl freaked out when i picked up some of her "get out of detention free cards." She began screaming at me in Korean. I was amused by this. "I dont speak Korean" i told her. She immediately starts crying and snags her phone and speed dials her mom. This all happened in the course of 15 seconds. She is balling and yelling into the phone at her mom. I promptly give her the precious 1" x 1" pieces of paper and tell her to hang up the phone. Another teacher was in the room so i let her handle the rest of class so i could inform the director of the ridiculous events that had just transpired before she could hear about it from a crazy chic's concerned mother. The director was walking through the front office but this time with teachers AND students:
"Hi kiyo"
"Hi, there is something i need to tell you. Do you have a minute?"
"For you, only 59 nine secund."
"I accidentally made a girl cry in class right now and I'd rather you hear the story from me than from her parents."
"Is it because you are fat and ugly? haha" and she casually walks away.
After I reminded myself that this is not a dream- I am living in a so-called "developed, civilized and diverse country" and for some reason i still want to work for this open-minded and respectful woman- I reluctantly followed the walking verbal diarhetic to explain myself only to be brushed aside and virtually ignored.
3. This weekend on a trip to Seoul for an unpaid work training for 7 of the American teachers, we packed 9 people in a mini-van at 8 am after we all went out til 4am the previous morning. During the 1.5 hr ride the topic of volunteering came up I mentioned how i was interested in volunteering with English speakers who manage to find themselves in the Korean penal system.
My Diarhetic Director (DD): "I dont know if you can vorunteer Kiyo"
"Really? because I am a foreigner?
"No because you are not handsome, and fat and 'blah blah blah.' hahaa"
All the Americans in the car were taken aback, and told her that i was handsome by American Standards (Thanks ladies) A few even mumbled that in the States it's not OK to say that.
DD then goes on to say that its ok because she likes skinny men and not fat men. Minutes later my knee accidentally hits the button to roll down the window. DD promptly reminds everyone that she had called me fat earlier and that she was right about my stature.
This my friends is South Korea.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Chuseok
So Chuseok is the Korean version of Thankgiving. It is a harvest celebration, an ancestral worship and time to showcase patriarchal values. Korea is 10 years behind the US in Fashion, and 50 yrs behind in social equality. They can be quite xenophobic. So far Ive been kicked out of stores for being white, been told i can't sit at a certain table in a restaurant/bar because it might anger other koreans, and had cabs pass me plenty of times. That said it was pretty cool to be invited to a traditional Korean family dinner.
I went to my Korean friend Seung Min's house with a few gals from work. We were there for an entire day and night. We made Songpyong- a weird staple of Chuseok. They take dry white rice, grind it up, add water and mix. The result is a flavorless dough. Then we add beans or sesame paste and roll them up in to balls. Normally this is a woman’s job- specifically the wife of the elder brother of the family. If the balls are misshaped the culinary artist will be cursed with ugly children. The flavorless balls are stacked in pine needles and then steamed. Just another weird dish in Korea.
ANYWAY.
WE ate dinner with Seung Mins whole family, on the floor. I was not a fan of the dining set up. Sitting on the floor and eating is simply the opposite of comfortable, even for a flexible gymnast like me. I couldnt touch my toes doing the "sit and reach" for the first 22 years of my life. Needless to say sitting on the floor, shoulder to shoulder, with two sleeping feet, trying to chopstick my food, while absorbing the stares of my Korean elders was a challenging endeavor. I survived, but i was sore fore a few days.
After dinner 4 of us went out for some drinks and a little Noreabong action (Korean karaoke) I had my first traditional "somaek" shot- Soju and Beer. Then a Stacked Korean Car Bomb- Soju coke and beer. After a few hours of drinking, chatting and relaxing IN A CHAIR, we returned home to find that i have to sleep 4 wide on the floor in the living room with Seung Mins uncle and cousin.
The racket started at 6 am. Mama started cooking and banging things around. Chuseok is a harvest fest and a time to worship ancestors. They cook this huge elaborate meal, and set the table in a very strict specific way. For instance all the meat must be on the east side of the table, everything must me odd in number- 3 pears, 5 fish, 7 random korean egg mysteries. They also put their address in a very special frame on the table and open the front door and the window so their ancestors can find the breakfast table and let themselves in. After the table is set up the women leave the room. The men then light an incense stick, and we all bow a few times. Then the men take turns pouring makgeolli (rice wine) into a bowl (for the ancestors) and placing the incense on a different dish. More bowing. Then the men drink the makgeolli. Everyone is silent except for the reigning elder. It was a pretty surreal thing to be apart of. I think i did ok. I had no idea what i was doing, but i dont think i offended anyone with my effort.
Once the ritual is over you would think its time to dig in, right? Wrong. The food is for the ancestors. We dont get to eat it! The men take down the table and put away all the food. They burn the paper that the address was written on and bring out different tables (more floor sitting). We then eat the left overs from the previous night and only some of the things that were on the table a few short minutes ago. I was pretty let down, some of the food smelled pretty damn good!
I took some photos and there are plenty others here:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2208146&id=59502786&l=6a0e589d48
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Seoul Searching
So My two favorite americans Ive met here are leaving, involuntarily. Megan and Caleb were fired because Megan got the Swine Flu. I'm pretty sure the school broke the legally binding contract. But what do i know? M and C are not planning on going home quietly so this could get interesting. They have the Law on their side, or so they think...
I am really going to miss them. Everyone at my school is either here with a significant other, or settled in with someone. M & C are adventurous, thrill-seeking, hippish, art students. We do fun things. I may go crazy because some of the other teachers are Valley Girl, sorority chicks who talk excessively about girly girl shit like the hottest new TV dramas, fashion or how they miss everything about the US. But they are nice and fun to party with... Sometimes all you want is a little slice of English in this country...
ANYWAY
Last weekend I went up to Seoul. I met up with my buddy, and Nick Igl's college roommate, Jon Coon and his girl friend Taniya (See! everyone comes here with a significant other...) We went out for Galbi, a Korean style barbecue, where you grill the meat at your table. I flirted with the 16 yr old waitress, and made small talk about her blood type.
me: "How old are you?"
petite little lassy: "Im 17" (which actually means 16 in Korea)
me: "Cool. Whats your blood type?"
I think Jon and Taniya actually dropped their chopsticks. They couldnt believe the conversation they had just witnessed. It was pretty frickin funny for someone who doesnt know that every korean knows their blood type and treats it like their astrological sign. We all laughed about this exchange for probably 10 minutes. Then we had some more soju.
After a stop at "Space Bar," an Outer Space Theme Bar, where we crashed a birthday party and i pulled the ole' kiss me on the cheek then turn and kiss 'em on the lips, we went CLUBBIN! I wore my chacos and a tee shirt. I epitomize Midwestern Wisconsin. I was boogyin pretty hard in an underground club. I brought my bag of trick to Korea. The Korean women were all over me! Well not really. Actually not at all. I was the big creepy dude hanging out in front of the Air conditioner and fog machine occasionally busting a move and yelling "KOREA NUMBER 1"
We spent the night at a Jimjilbong, a nude Korean Spa. This is a sight. Jimjilbongs are kinda like Turkish baths with large hot tubs, cold tubs and saunas, but at the jimjilbongs people sleep over. Koreans just pass out all over the place. In the locker room some are sound asleep, naked on the floor. For those that would like to sleep with their clothes on you can sleep in a korean version of hospital scrubs in a huge gymnasium complete with big screen tvs, computers, and sleeping pads. All this for 7000 won (6 $) Who need a hotel when you can sleep naked on the bathroom floor?
The next day we Spahhhed it up. We wondered around Seoul for a while. I ate some overpriced spicy chicken intestines, and brown sugar filled pancakes. We meandered through the streets, and went to an English bookstore. I bought Downtown Owl, Chuck Klostermans novel. All in all it was an uneventful trip to Seoul.
Oh Korea
I am really going to miss them. Everyone at my school is either here with a significant other, or settled in with someone. M & C are adventurous, thrill-seeking, hippish, art students. We do fun things. I may go crazy because some of the other teachers are Valley Girl, sorority chicks who talk excessively about girly girl shit like the hottest new TV dramas, fashion or how they miss everything about the US. But they are nice and fun to party with... Sometimes all you want is a little slice of English in this country...
ANYWAY
Last weekend I went up to Seoul. I met up with my buddy, and Nick Igl's college roommate, Jon Coon and his girl friend Taniya (See! everyone comes here with a significant other...) We went out for Galbi, a Korean style barbecue, where you grill the meat at your table. I flirted with the 16 yr old waitress, and made small talk about her blood type.
me: "How old are you?"
petite little lassy: "Im 17" (which actually means 16 in Korea)
me: "Cool. Whats your blood type?"
I think Jon and Taniya actually dropped their chopsticks. They couldnt believe the conversation they had just witnessed. It was pretty frickin funny for someone who doesnt know that every korean knows their blood type and treats it like their astrological sign. We all laughed about this exchange for probably 10 minutes. Then we had some more soju.
After a stop at "Space Bar," an Outer Space Theme Bar, where we crashed a birthday party and i pulled the ole' kiss me on the cheek then turn and kiss 'em on the lips, we went CLUBBIN! I wore my chacos and a tee shirt. I epitomize Midwestern Wisconsin. I was boogyin pretty hard in an underground club. I brought my bag of trick to Korea. The Korean women were all over me! Well not really. Actually not at all. I was the big creepy dude hanging out in front of the Air conditioner and fog machine occasionally busting a move and yelling "KOREA NUMBER 1"
We spent the night at a Jimjilbong, a nude Korean Spa. This is a sight. Jimjilbongs are kinda like Turkish baths with large hot tubs, cold tubs and saunas, but at the jimjilbongs people sleep over. Koreans just pass out all over the place. In the locker room some are sound asleep, naked on the floor. For those that would like to sleep with their clothes on you can sleep in a korean version of hospital scrubs in a huge gymnasium complete with big screen tvs, computers, and sleeping pads. All this for 7000 won (6 $) Who need a hotel when you can sleep naked on the bathroom floor?
The next day we Spahhhed it up. We wondered around Seoul for a while. I ate some overpriced spicy chicken intestines, and brown sugar filled pancakes. We meandered through the streets, and went to an English bookstore. I bought Downtown Owl, Chuck Klostermans novel. All in all it was an uneventful trip to Seoul.
Oh Korea
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Oh Korea
So Yea. Korea is interesting. I supposed i can stand my job. It is getting easier and easier by the day. the more you do something the better you get at it. So i'm on my way to mastering the art of creating four lessons in under 45 min.
As i type this I am eating probably the weirdest, not the worst, food ive tried in korea. It is a sausage. Being mostly german ive come to love all things sausage but this is pretty weird. It is a sausage casing with translucent rice noodles, spices and blood. Yes. Blood. There isn't any meat besides the side of pig heart that it came with. The real question is does the sausage qualify as being vegetarian?
As i type this I am eating probably the weirdest, not the worst, food ive tried in korea. It is a sausage. Being mostly german ive come to love all things sausage but this is pretty weird. It is a sausage casing with translucent rice noodles, spices and blood. Yes. Blood. There isn't any meat besides the side of pig heart that it came with. The real question is does the sausage qualify as being vegetarian?
Monday, September 7, 2009
1st day at school
Monday afternoon. I have been in korea less than 48 hrs. I roll out of my pretty pink bed and shuffle to work for my first day. the previous night a feww of the teachers and I got sauced up and I told them all i brought a suit for my first day. No one believed me so I felt there was no better time than the first day of the new semester to wear my suit. I was wrong. It was 95 degrees outside and felt like i was walking in a steam room. Not even close to the ideal suit wearing weather.
I was walked around the office and shown where supplies are kept and got the typical first day at the office tour. Then I was given my books and told to prepare for my 4 classes that day. I had a little over and hour and a half to prepare lesson plans for 4 different 80 minute classes with kids of different abilities with 12 different books and ZERO teaching experience.
It was the first day i realized what was expected of me. Avalon wants nothing more from me than to stand there and be white. Honestly thats pretty much it. I am seriously getting paid to speak my midwestern version of english in front of these kids while we navigate through our text books. Thats all. If I prepare a worksheet or 2 i look ambitious. That said I choose to strictly follow the book I will go insane. "Repeat after me kids; Trina was scared because her Mother took her to the dentist."
So the first day i decided i wanted to learn students names, Thank god they all have english names. I told them they could either call me Kyle or Zander. They immediately called me Panda because it sounds like Zander and the Black and White Suit.
Of course on the first day students try to puch their luck by testing the teacher. So i had to find a balance between singing, dancing and laughing and desk kicking and stern finger pointing.
Gosh this will be a fun year.
1st 72
As Lewis Black aid, “ I have no idea if new Zealand is beautiful because anything after a 12 hr airplane ride looks beautiful.” That’s kinda how I felt getting off the plane into the smog laden muggy Korean air. Korea is geographically beautiful. It looks like a developed version of western Wisconsin. Korea and wisco are about the latitude, so I guess it makes sense. Korea is roughly half the size of wisco with about 6x the population. Every bit of land that can be exploited for Koreans use is or will be developed. I live in a brand new part of CheongJu. Greg, a coworker has been at Avalon, my school, for 28 months. He was one of the first teachers at the school. He said that in the 18 months he’s been here Cheong Ju has grossly expanded. Interestingly enough, all the entrepreneurs who decided to take a gamble on setting up shop in a brand new dong on the out skirts of town (my neighborhood) pretty much had their shit pushed in when the recession hit. Business owners cant afford to leave because real estate is so precious over here that their leases are worth too much money for them to abandon ship. The way I understand it a person interested in using land cannot purchase it because it is far to expensive. The must lease it. When they lease the property they pay a ridiculous amount up front. 50 million won ( 40,000 dollars) for an apartment or store front. Then the person pays 200,000 won / month rent. Then after their lease is up they get a portion of the 50 million they put up originally. ANYWAYS, my apartment is ina brand new part of town, and is in fact brand new. While this sounds nice, it makes it difficult for me to take a taxi home because the cab driver has no idea where anything is in the new part of the city…
So I arrived at 9pm Saturday (Korean time) after being in an airport or on a plane for 24 hrs. I took a bus from Seoul to Cheong ju. Saying Seoul is big doesn’t do it justice. Seoul metropolitan area is the 2nd largest metropolitan area in the world. On the bus it never seemed to end. Quite the contrast from Cross Plains. Neon lights everywhere advertising for businesses which could be anything ( I don’t read Korean…)
Sunday I was wide awake at 6am so I decided to go and try to get lost. I did not succeed but I did find wifi. I live near one of the 3000 convenience stores in Cheongju. I sent emails to mama and papa telling them I made it. My boss found me at the coffee shop and bought me a huge sushi lunch for 6 dollars then we made it over to the school where I met my lead teacher Philip. Philip immediately made me regret cutting my hair. Then fella has hair all the way to his ass and a thin scraggly beard. I liked him immediately. He took 2 other teachers and I to a shopping district where we bought some house hold items.
Then the night got started, He took us to dinner where we barbequed our own Korean steak (not dog) and drank soju. 4 other teachers at Avalon showed up. We then proceeded to drink 3 half liters of soju and a bunch of beer. Then someone had the great Idea of going to a Noreabong.
Now a noreabong is a room u rent and sing karaoke and get drunk. Koreans love it so do drunk americans. At the noraebong we proceeded to drink copious amounts of soju and Cass a not soo bad Korean “beer”. After Kevin, one of the existing teachers, started necking with Fey, a new teacher whose boyfriend Ken was standing 10 feet away, I decided I we were all pretty drunk and it would be good for me to try and get some rest before my first day of classes… there was no need to really leave because no amount of sleep could have prepared me for my first day.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Annyeong Haseyo!
That is the default greeting in Korean. I've been getting by with a variation "ahseyo." It all works. This is a little blog that I plan on using to document my life experiences from this day forward. Assuming you actually take an interest to this little weblog, I would suspect you will being reading many ramblings with grammatical errors and ellipses... That said the name of my blog comes from the two pieces of advice i received from my 2 Korean bosses. Apparently korea is nuts about pandemics. By nuts I mean: i had to have my temperature taken when i got off the airplane, "the flu" or "H1N1" has come up everyday so far in at least 1 class, and on the street I can expect to see, at the very least, 10 people an hour wearing masks. I tend to go out of my way to sneeze in their general vicinity. ANYWAY My Korean bosses were afraid I would get the swine flu from jet lag so their advice for me was to sleep for 14 hrs and eat beef. These are the people i will be surrounded by for 1 year.
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